Goodbye, Pumpkin Pie!


An original Thanksgiving tale to be read aloud to kids from dads.com

Year after year after year
I go crazy!
Every Thanksgiving
I sit with the babies!

It's the little kids' table;
The table for tots,
Where my mom makes me sit
If I like it or not.

The table for grown-ups
Is fit for a king,
With goblets
And giblets
And gold napkin rings,

And bread rolls and salad
And dressing with drippings,
One glass just for drinking,
And one just for sipping!

But here all the kids
Drink from Styrofoam cups,
We eat small turkey bits
That our moms have cut up.

Our plates are red plastic
And so are the spoons,
And we eat by ourselves
In a small dining room.

I have dozens of cousins
Age one and age two
Whose Thanksgiving feast
Is a greenish-brown goo.

They slop up their faces
With vegetable mashes
And after they drink
They all have
Milk mustaches.

They urp,
And they burp,
And they belch
And they gulp;
Oh, why can't I sit
At the feast for adults?

All the mooshing
And mashing
And smooshing
And gnashing!
I put down my fork
And I thought about fasting!

I'd never eat turkey
Again in my life!
Never pick up a fork!
Never pick up a knife!

I'd fast like a mountain-top
Indian swami;
I wouldn't touch mustard
Or bread
Or salami!

"I'll never eat mushrooms
"Or green beans
"Or squid!
"And I NEVER will eat
"At the table for kids!"

"What's wrong?" asked my mom,
She was pouring some drinks;
"You haven't touched dinner...
"Not one single thing!"

She straightened the napkin
Tucked under my chin,
She gave me a hug
As she pushed my chair in,

She cut up my turkey bits
Two sizes smaller,
She held up my glass,
"Have a sip of some water!"

She dished up a spoon
Of potatoes and gravy;
My mom tried to feed me
Like I was a baby!

Well, my face turned as red
As the rhubarb pie filling!
I quick turned away,
And my cup went a-spilling!

BOOSH!
Water splashed on
Mom's face and her hair,
And it looked like some gravy
Was mixed up in there,

Because polka dots spotted
My mom's bright white dress!
Her Thanksgiving suit
Was a gravy-brown mess!

I should've said "Sorry!"
I should've said "Oops!"
I should've helped mom
Wipe the gravy-brown goop.

What happened instead
Is a mystery, my friends.
But there's one thing for sure- - -
I won't do it again!

I opened my mouth- - -
Do you know what I did?
I sassed my mom back
Like a spoiled snotty kid.

"I can use my own fork!
"I can use my own knife!
"And I don't want to sit
"At the table for tikes!"

"I can't stand all the gunk!
"I can't stand all the gak!
"I won't watch little Timothy
"Eating like that!"

"He's got yams in his hair,
"He's got yams North and South,
"And there's food everywhere
"But inside of his mouth!"

"Then there's Sarah and Icky
"And Jimmy and Franz
"Mixing peas in their milk!
"Eating with their bare hands!"

"This is NOT what the Pilgrims
"And Indians did,
"I DON'T WANT TO SIT HERE
"AT THE TABLE FOR KIDS!!"

Then mom said,
"I think your Thanksgiving's all through,
"And I think that it's time
"You go up to your room."

"In my ROOM?!" my brain thought,
This just couldn't be true!
In my ROOM?!
Why,
WHY,
WHY??
What on earth did I do??

My tummy got grumbly,
My feet both felt stumbly,
I wanted to shout,
But my mouth was all mumbly.

I walked past the turkey,
The dressing and trimmings,
My feast was now ending
Before its beginning.

"Goodbye, pumpkin pie!"
I said, as I walked by it,
"So long, green bean bake!"
Though I never would try it,

"Farewell, acorn squash,
"And potatoes au gratin!
"Ta-ta, apple tart
"With your whip-creamy topping!"

I sat all alone
On my bed feeling hungry.
It felt like I had
A stone knot in my tummy.

I could still hear
The forks and the knives and the spoons
Clacking and clinking
And scraping up food;

My sniffer sniffed smells
Drifting up from afar,
And on Thanksgiving Day
I was sure I would starve!

So I played with my toys
Then I sang a few numbers,
I stood on my head
To get rid of this hunger,

Then somersaults,
Push-ups,
I played tiddly-winks,
But Thanksgiving turkey
Was all I could think!

My belly growled out
Like a great grizzly bear,
And I knew,
Pretty soon,
I'd need something down there!

Anything,
ANYTHING!
Liver, or beets!
Even heaps of
Hungarian pickled pigs' feet!

"I'll eat wood like a termite!
"Or flies like a frog!
"I'll chew catnip like kitties!
"Or shoes like a dog!"

I was just about ready
To snack on my hat,
When I heard someone knocking,
RAT-TAT-A-TAT-TAT!

It was mom with a plate
Piled high with a feast,
And it didn't seem that she was mad
In the least.

She set up a TV tray
Right by my bed,
And she gave me a kiss
On the top of my head.

"You're growing up fast,"
She said, hiding a tear,
"Won't you join the adults
"For Thanksgiving next year?"


The End

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1992 Howard D. Fencl


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